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(Poetry about BPD by Borderlines below "Comment")

Comment Submitted by "Growing Up BPD"
article by Dr. Susan Heitler, PhD.

I grew up with a BPD father. He physically abused myself and siblings. He verbally abused us. He abused my mum. He also had alcohol addiction that escalated his behavior and made him more unpredictable. We moved every few years because he could not settle and burnt community relationships. He kept changing his work - he was a printer, a shop owner, a fisherman. Life was hell. He killed our cat's kittens one night in a drunken raging episode. We heard him bashing the kittens against the fence railing to kill them. We were 5 kids under the age of 12 when that happened. He believed problems were brought on by others

I have BPD. My emotional stability is challenged every day I can feel anger, hatred, abandonment, love, happiness, awe at life, depression, clarity and fog within a 24hr period. The emotional instability is like standing in front of a truck and trying to hold it from rolling down a hill. My ability to study and stay focused takes every ounce of will. Knowing I'm intelligent but unable to tap into that consistently impacts my sense of self-worth. My career has been impacted because of episodes that take me away from work. I have attempted to end my life twice during episodes. I have used alcohol and drugs to try to stop the deep pain that I feel. The pain is an empty unloved loneliness, a pit of blackness that never leaves. It is always on the edge of my consciousness regards other positive feelings I may feel in the moment.

I was misdiagnosed until my mid 40s. Hospitalized. Put on drug cocktails. Put through various therapy attempts. The shame I feel about myself because of my emotional episodes is deep, to the point I withdrew from relationships because I didn't want anyone to see the ugliness of an episode.

BPD is insidious I grew up with it twice. As a family member whose childhood was about surviving. As an individual who's own growth and personal realization has been impacted by the same illness.

My dad was a casualty of an undiagnosed mental health illness. I love him and I forgive him He was and is not the illness. He suffered as did our family.

In later life, he had massive medical issues. Through 5 years of taking him to doctors and hospitals, I got to know the man behind the illness. It was during that period I saw the man my mum fell in love with, the illness that took his life away.

Behind the illness is a person. The person is not the illness. They are a person who's one life is being torn away from them by a medical condition.

Final note on bpd from Dr. Heitler to readers:

If the above writing describes your experience or the experience of someone you know, this awareness can mark the beginning of change.  Help is available.

There are now many borderline personality disorder treatment options. Do avail yourself of these.  Your life, and the lives of your loved ones, can become far less painful and far more gratifying.  Wishing you all the very best.

Dr. H.



Poetry by BPD's  about BPD. 


Emotional Ruin

My body wants to rest.
My mind believes this is the only option;
   therefore, tells my body to give up.
It wants to collapse and give in for awhile.
However, it can't.
There is no time for my body to take that break.
There is much to do. No time for rest.
Perhaps it is my mind disguising itself as my body.
And my mind is actually seeking
   the tranquility my body aches for.
It is nothing physical that
    breaks down the mentality.
It is, however, the emotional strain
    that twists the body into physical torture.
Gnawing at the muscle and scratching the bone.
The mind takes hold of everything in its sight.

And the body refuses to defend itself;
therefore, leading to total havoc.

by an Anonymous Borderline from their website on the internet

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Borderline      

Everybody looks so ill at ease
So distrustful so displeased
Running down the table
I see a borderline
Like a barbed wire fence
Strung tight, strung tense
Prickling with pretense
A borderline

Why are you smirking at your friend?
Is this to be the night when
All well-wishing ends?
All credibility revoked?
Thin skin, thick jokes!
Can we blame it on the smoke
This borderline?

Every bristling shaft of pride
Church or nation
Team or tribe
Every notion we subscribe to
Is just a borderline
Good or bad, we think we know
As if thinking makes things so!
All convictions grow along a borderline

Smug in your jaded expertise
You scathe the wonder world
And you praise barbarity
In this illusionary place--
This scared hard-edged rat race
All liberty is laced with
Borderlines

Every income, every age
Every fashion-plated rage
Every measure, every gauge
Creates a borderline
Every stone thrown through glass
Every mean-streets-kick ass
Every swan caught on the grass
Will draw a borderline

You snipe so steady
You snub so snide--
So ripe and ready
To diminish and deride!
You’re so quick to condescend
My opinionated friend
All you deface, all you defend
Is just a borderline
Just a borderline ...
Another borderline ...
Just a borderline

by Joni Mitchell     

NOTE:  Nowhere could I discern whether or not this poem was actually about people with the Borderline disorder.  But I thought it was very fitting.

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A Little Soul Was Taken

In the corner of a dark room
a little girl stares,
trying to be quiet
knowing no one cares.

Her belly growling loudly,
her arm in a sling
bruises on her body
no one knows a thing.
Her mother is too high,
teachers do not know
about the abuse she has suffered
since she was 4 years old.

She hears the footsteps coming
she gets as small as she can
she has to hide from the one
that her mother calls her man.

She knows what is coming
as he opens up her door
He calls out her name
and she curls up on the floor.
"Lord", she mouths "Please help me.
Take me away from this place.
Please don't let him hurt me
Don't let me see his face"

She figured the prayer unanswered,
because he sees her on the floor.
Red faced and angry
he shuts the bedroom door.

"You little bitch" he growled
"You trying to hide from me?"
She shrank down even further
knowing not to flee.
She closed her eyes tightly
not feeling any pain
for she had left her body
as she does time and again.

He kicked her and he threw her
across the room into bed
he grabbed her by her shirt
lifting it over her head.

Pulling down her pants
cursing the whole time
the little girl isn't with him
inside her head she is fine.
When the man was finished
he asked "how was that for you?"
the little girl didn't answer
she'll be gone 'til he is through.

No answer made him angry
and he cursed and punched her chest
no chance to get some air
her lungs became compressed.

An answer to her prayer
as oxygen ebbs away
she is slowly dying
but not to her dismay.
He walks out of the bedroom
not knowing what he's done.
A collapse of the girl's lungs,
her chances down to none.

Never regaining consciousness
she stayed within her safe place
no caring parent to see
her slack and ashen face.

A few hours later
she had gone away
innocent for eternity
no suffering another day.
Three whole days went by
before her body was found
her teacher reported her missing
no idea she was heaven bound.

The cops went to her room
and found her body broken
a smile froze on her face
last words never spoken.

On that day it made the news
a 6 year old was gone
a lonely victim of abuse
no longer her abuser's pawn.
An upstanding member of society
the abuser was believed
when he claimed no knowledge.
Everyone was deceived.

So there was no justice,
the abuser was not to blame.
A little soul was taken
A girl who died in vain.

by "Blair Witch" (from a website)

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(below by "Versailles" from Healthboards website)

Dear friend,
I love you and need you,
But I cannot trust you.

I’m sorry to say,
That my heart is too broken,
To get close to you.

I want to be with you,
And tell you how I feel,
But I can’t talk to you.

I want to go hang out with you,
And have some fun together,
But I can’t find the courage to have fun with you.

I want to hug you,
And show you my love,
But I’m afraid to touch you.

I want to let you,
Have your space,
But I can’t leave you.

I want to let you,
Go away, when you need to go,
But I can’t lose you.

I want to be happy,
And show you my happiness,
But I’m afraid to express that to you.

I want to cry,
In front of you,
But I can’t show my sadness to you.

I want to be with you forever,
And be your friend,
But I can’t, I must go.

Sorry to disappoint you,
I know you’ll be sad,
But when I’m gone,
You’ll find someone else,
Better than me,
And you’ll be glad.

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Borderline Poem    by "BabyPhatCat" per
                                     www.dailystrength.org/groups

Afraid to be alone
A sickness within
Come to my rescue
let me suck you in
I will tell you everything
that you want to hear
I will put u on a pedestal
And pull you near
I will make you feel special
So You can't stay away
I will make sure you smile
each and every day
Then when I have you
I won't believe it's true
there is nothing you can say
or anything you can do
my mind will tell me lies
one right after another
I try to remain calm
But it's only a cover
I feel empty, unsatisfied and
Make the relationship tough
No matter what you say
It will never be enough
The emotions stir
And soon will flood
The only cure sometimes
to see my own blood
I cut into my skin
to relase some of the pain
then I cover them up
because of all the shame
During this time
I'm ignoring your needs
only looking at myself
out of selfishness and greed
You start to feel confused
and try to express that to me
But I'm so lost in myself
It is impossible to see
When you try to speak
All I feel is an attack
I begin to lash out
I don't know how to react
My mind tells me
your going to get up and leave
My hearts beating so fast
It makes it hard for me to breath
You finally can't take anymore
and tell me were through
I kept pushing you away
Until my worst fears were true
The feeling of abandonment
is to much to take in
That's when it gets worse
And the destruction begins
I don't know how to cope
Or calm myself down
I feel like I am in the middle of an ocean
just left there to drown
I fight to stay afloat
but the current drags me under
This is a relationship
Of a Borderline Lover.

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The Fear    by Rayne

How long has it been since I've spilled my own blood?
You sick sad girl, is it what you truly crave?
Is it the pain, the sharp hot sting?
Is it the blood, the shocking screaming red
Like crimson roses in the snow?
Or is it the tears that follow?
NOT your own, no NEVER your own!
But those of the ones that you despise so.
It's them you want to feel the pain,
And them to see the blood.
It's them you want to punish huh?
So why turn it all inside?
Because my throat has been riped out
Oh so long ago.
Its the only voice I have to tell them or to show
My fear.

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Self-Harm: The Music     by Rayne

Who sees me play my instrument?
Who sees me make my songs?
Who sees the bright red music
Shocking, wet, and long?

Who sees me play my instrument?
Who sees me work the strings?
Its a secrete how I pluck
Such notes and sweetly sing.

Who sees me play my instrument?
Its just a silly game.
I've only had to call for help
To keep me SOMEwhat sane.

Who sees me play my instrument?
Surely no one knows!!
Tis but a simple razor blade
That on my skin does blow.

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Just a Cut     by Rayne

Just a cut.
Just a tiny slice in my skin.
Am I forgiven?
Who are you to judge?
You drink, you smoke, you hate,
I don't.
I cut.
Who am I hurting but myself?
There was a time when you didnt know.
You hadnt a clue!
I blindfolded you
Then laughed as you smiled in your simplistic view.
Now you gasp in horror
And cry uncontrollably
As if you weren't the one
Who said "I hate you".
Did I return the words?
Of course not! I only stole away
To the bathroom
My private hideout.
I took out my swords,
I took out my shields
I enacted war
Against myself.
I smile and cry
I cut and then hide.
You dont even ask
About the blood on my shirt.
My pants are all ruined.
I do the laundry now.
Did you need the blackness of that blindfold?
Do you yearn for it now as you burn
In the light of my exposure?
I'm sorry I failed you.
I'm sorry you know.
You weren't supposed to.
No one was.
Now they all gasp in horror
Pretend not to notice,
Or smile piteously, bastards.
They don't how I laugh at them
When I am alone.
Performing my bloody ritual.
It puts me at ease.
You apologize
As if I were diseased.
You bring me flowers
And sit with me for hours
Then I mark myself
Feeling nothing but joy.
Feeling nothing but sunshine.
You find this hard to believe but I know
It is only because you are weak.
I am strong, look at me!
See what I can do?
Could you do this to?
Ha! I doubt it.
Now you greedy pigs wish to own my only weapon
Against the darkness that creeps up within me.
I have no more joy,
I have no more freedom,
I have no more peace,
I have only blood.
Every tiny cut brings me one step closer to hell.
What an evil sin
To fall in love with.
Still I cant stop
Not until I gain back my own faith.
Your "I hate you's must stop...
Your "tsk tsk"s too.
Stop wagging your head!
You pathetic weakling.
You've no concept of pain.
You've not concept of joy.
I must have both
In a never-ending parade of steel.
I WILL heal.
But for now, I still need
My blood.

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